On First Dates

Admit it. We all hate first dates.

We all enjoy second dates, usually because if there is a second date, it's because we already like the person...or at least can't yet figure out if we hate them. And the third date, well, who doesn't love the third date? And every date thereafter - usually fabulous. But just not that first one.

First there's the whole "where should we go and what should we do" aspect. Hurdle number one is avoiding the dreaded dry date. This is usually disguised as "going for coffee." No, no, no. Have you ever seen a SWAT guy in the puffy jacket defusing a bomb while sucking back a 16 oz Timmy Ho double double? No. Why? Because caffeine is not a good idea in a highly tense situations. Alcohol, however, is a great idea in highly tense situations, which is why people get pissed at office parties and whenever they have to visit their families during the holidays. So pick a date location where your date can have a glass of wine, for God's sake. (If you're too broke to do anything but coffee, don't date. Spend your time working overtime to get a promotion. No one wants to date someone poor anyways so you're not missing anything.)

The next Herculean task is selecting the venue. Sports bar? No. They have carpet on the tables. If we wanted to eat off carpet, we'd join our pets on the floor. The idea should not be to bring the floor closer to your food. Chain restaurant? Not unless the chain happens to be Nobu. Sorry, but chances are you won't find a romantic atmosphere somewhere where they have a burger named for a sports hero or where anything comes in a plastic basket. Believe me, your date will go better when you don't have to worry about your sexual chemistry being interrupted by the waitstaff singing Happy Birthday to someone. Be safe and pick a nice upscale place where everyone's complexion will be flatteringly candle-lit. You'll know it's probably good if teeny-tiny food comes on teeny-tiny plates, or if the menu features outrageous over-description, or if the word "truffled" is used anywhere.

And then - the date itself. What an exercise in frustration as you make small talk avoiding exactly the questions you really want to be asking. Wouldn't it be so much more effective - and fun - if you could just slide over the following little survey?

1. Age
2. Astrological sign
3. Occupation
4. Income
5. Quality of last relationship (please rate on scale of 1 - 5)
6. Time since last relationship ended (in months)
7. Who ended things and whose fault was it?
8. Level of comfort with commitment (please rate on a scale of 1 - 5)
9. Do you want children, and if so, when?
10. Please briefly describe your relationship with your parents.
11. Do you currently hold any extreme views on the following? (please provide additional detail below if yes): gender roles, religion, dressing up your pets, sexual orientation, abortion rights, racism, politics, reality TV, eating meat
12. Please provide two (2) references below of previous partners with name and current phone number or email address.

Simple, and it gives you time to have that all too important first drink while you're both completing it. Then, voila, you have all the information right there that you can't really talk about on the first date, a really good idea as to whether you want a second one, and a nice buzz on.

It also saves you from unpleasant topical surprises during the first date, such as:

"You know, acting brings a lot more fulfillment than say, your same old, 9-5, "steady salary" type job. Besides I really like to read on the bus. Gives me time to think."

"Oh, yeah, I totally want kids. I want a huge family. I mean, not right now, of course. Maybe in like, I don't know, eight months or something."

"Well, I wouldn't say I'm religious. I guess I do go to church, but our church is really a different kind of church. It's not like other churches, really. Hey...what are you doing Sunday?"

And so on. It's strange that people tend to feel bad about judging other people on the first date, when essentially that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing. That's the point of the date - figuring out whether there is sufficient compatibility. You have to judge in order to choose, and you do have to choose, otherwise you'd just meet each other when you moved in together.

But without the first date, we would never feasibly have a second, or third. So it will enjoy a time-honoured place in social history for many, many years to come. But feel free to print the survey for your next one.