On Smoking On First Dates

It's well-deserved scrutiny or a witch hunt, depending on your viewpoint, but it seems that smoking has overtaken drunk driving, unsafe sex and Nazi sympathizing to take first place on the list of things that society disapproves of.

Smoking also happens to top the list of most people's "dealbreakers" when it comes to first dates. (Sadly, having children would probably have to take spot #2.) And it's considered a pretty reasonable dealbreaker, so you smokers out there - you may feel like there's just no solution except to throw a patch on your arm and kiss your pleasant personality goodbye for the next four months while you quit. Not so!

Smoking and relationships, you see, is kind of like being an alcoholic in a job. No one hires an alcoholic. If someone walked into HR and introduced themselves while wearing an inside-out shirt and reeking of Jim Bean, you can bet good money that resume would find its way to the Shred-It centre faster than Enron's expense reports. But, if you hire someone who subsequently becomes a raging alcoholic, could that company then get rid of them? No way. Not a chance. Legality aside, that would seem to be vaguely immoral - kicking a man when he's already down, out, and perpetually bleary. No, you are stuck with months and months of missed work, incomprehensible emails, and raised eyebrows at the sight of the travel mug. (Just ask Lindsay Lohan's co-stars.)

So here's the thing. No one is going to date a smoker, but you can't break up with someone for smoking once you're already going out. It just seems hystrionic. So folks, if you can get past the first few dates, you're olly olly oxen free.

Now, that's going to be tough. A previous post on first dates reveals that alcohol, after all, is essential to the dating process, and a poor smoker squirming their way through a first date once the first couple of drinks hits them is like a dog in a car with the windows rolled up in summer.

So if you suspect you won't be able to get through your seared tuna skewers and that fourth vodka tonic without scrambling out the bathroom window or huddling with the cooks out back next to the garbage dumster, I have for you the golden ticket. Simply take a jiffy marker and write "LAST PACK" on your ciggie pack before you leave the house. And when you do break down, go smoke, and come back in with that bingo hall reek clouding around you, and your date questions you, look sheepish and pull out the pack. Watch the look of judgment melt instantly away as they hug / high five / wet kiss you in joy. You're not a filthy addict anymore! No, not you...you're a fighter! You're a scrapper!

You're a big, fat liar.

But while they're lulled in the false assumption that you'll be cigarette free in a matter of weeks, you are free to play out the first few dates without concern about getting immediately culled for your disgusting, smelly habit. Giving you plenty of time to find things you're going to want to dump them for.

Now come to think of it...men, don't bother with this advice, as women will simply deny you sex until you quit. You're best to go straight on the patch.