On Technology and Relationships

It’s always astounding when something as un-organic as technological developments can have such a huge impact on something as organic as human relationships.

The first big development, according to National Geographic historians (those champions of the gratuitous naked-boobie photograph) occurred some 45,000 to 80,000 years ago when some intrepid heavy-browed cave dweller tied a sharp rock to a stick and threw it at something. The spear brought about not only more clearly delineated gender roles, but separated us, behaviorally-speaking, from the apes by introducing the concept of foreign relations. Are you listening, Dubyah? Apparently this is something that even someone lacking a frontal lobe can grasp.

It went something like this: prior to the invention of the spear, skirmishes between clans were relatively harmless. They consisted mostly of posturing, grunting, and occasionally a punch or two…not much different than you’d find between rivaling fans during professional sporting events nowadays. The invention of the spear, however, suddenly required clans to make treaties and negotiate peace agreements; it was one thing to bonk Oogar on the head, and completely another to turn the holy man of the tribe next door into a fur-clad cave-kebab. Peace ruled.

The spear also rapidly accelerated the differentiation of gender roles. Prior to large hunts, people mostly got by through scavenging; in other words, picking things up off the ground and eating them. Both genders were pretty good at that, so equality was the order of the day. But it was quickly discovered that their larger, heavier musculature and better-developed spatial capabilities meant that men would naturally be better at spear-throwing. So began thousands of years whereby men honed their focused throwing skills, and women refined their abilities to work in groups, communicate effectively and multi-task. It explains why to this day every man has a dartboard that he bought for his first apartment and why women can have a cell phone conversation while driving and applying lipstick.

(I think this might also have been where the three-day rule came into play; that was the typical length of a mammoth hunt. Thus was forever cast in stone the appropriate length to wait after a date to make contact again.)

So if the spear was instrumental in establishing traditional gender roles, it wasn’t until the 1940’s that the next tool would come along to completely turn them upside down. Yes, a little pink pill finally broke 75,000 years of “is he going to call?” and ushered in the sexual revolution.

For the first time in history, women were able to reliably control their reproductive cycles, Coca-cola douches notwithstanding, and the major motivator of forming relationships (orgasms) suddenly was no longer tied to the major detractor (screaming baby.) Finally, sex for sex's sake. In economic terms, the cost of sex plummeted and, as we learn in first-year business, the demand skyrocketed. It was the advent of Sexual WalMart.

It also meant that marriage was no longer the required or even desired outcome of a relationship. Religion aside, the purpose of a secular marriage had traditionally been that the man was obliged to keep paying the utility bills, so to speak, if his woman got knocked up. With the introduction of the pill, woman didn’t have to worry about pregnancy, and so she was free to take her time and date until she found a man she liked for his personal qualities rather than just his earning potential. (Which, I dare say, just might explain why women are now single for a whole ten years longer than before.)

Thus 'modern' dating began. People could date more than one person. They could sleep together, live together, try each other out for 30 days like Ginsu knives. Consistency dissolved. Ambiguity ruled. A multi-million dollar industry in self-help and relationship books blossomed in an attempt to make sense out of the new ‘no-rules’ rules. Even a blowhard like Dr. Phil was able to secure a living.

All because of something that looked like a TicTac and made of horse pee.

And what is the latest device that has reshaped the old “boy meets girl, boy spears things for girl, girl is able to decide her reproductive fate” story? The cell phone. For better or for worse, that little pink Razer has had a pretty significant impact on relationship behaviour.

Entire relationships, I suspect, owe their existence to mobile technology. The thing about mobile technology is that it’s mobile. Your phone, and thus your ability to communicate with your love interests, gets to go with you wherever you go. That opens up a whole new world of bad judgment calls that we simply didn’t have the opportunity to exercise before. Now our phones get to go out for cocktails with us.

The booty call, for example. Were there booty calls before cell phones? I don't remember, but I don't think so. There have always been pay phones, and answering machines that you could call and check. But never was the booty call so widespread as today, when an assignation can be instantly arranged while miles apart. Before, the booty caller had to go home before making the call to the booty callee, taking away considerably from the charming “I was just doing a tequila shooter in the bar off the waitress and thought of you” spontaniety of the whole idea.

And then there's the text message. Entire relationships have been conducted largely through this medium. It combines all the best parts of the email (elimination of rejection, ability to write and rewrite message before sending) with the best part of the phone call (immediate receipt.) It’s much easier to send a cheeky note through text messaging than it is in person. Have you ever called someone at their office, said, "hey u what u up 2 what u doing u want to see me l8er?" and then hung up? No. And the technology is new enough and unstable enough that text messages, if unwanted, can be safely ignored (“…oh you sent one? No, I didn’t get it…my carrier is just awful.”)

With cell phones, we can all reach each other at any time, so it’s no longer necessary to make dates long in advance of their happening. Relationships, particularly new ones, are more fluid than ever before. Formality dissolves, and a whole new paradigm takes place. The digital relationship. New challenges, new opportunities.

So here’s to the big three. Without you, we’d have much more clarity about whether or not our boy/girl friends just aren’t that into us, but we’d still be having ten babies, eating things we find on the ground, and using *69 to see who called while we were out. And I’ll take the single life, foie gras and caller ID any day.

For M, who still can't use her cell phone, but who has a great relationship anyway.